So I Need You
by tjmack
Summary: Jack's thoughts just before, and after he finds out Renee's dead.


So I Need You

Summary: Jack Bauer's thoughts as he realizes that Renee is dead.

**A/N: I just have to say that I am beyond pissed that they killed Renee! It had to be said. **

_**Who will love a man cursed beyond his own accord? A man that has lost far more than he has been given? A man on the brink, on the edge of the cliff, just waiting for someone to push him off it. Just waiting for the end to come. Only one person could love a man so cursed. Only one woman could stand toe to toe with that man, and only she would be taken, so drastically from him. **_

_**Just as my life started to have meaning again. Just as things started to look up. Communication going so much better than good with Kim. Being able to see my granddaughter. Having Renee in my life, working alongside her. Making love to her. It all seemed to fit together in a way that made sense. My life--Jack Bauer's life make sense, it sounded so surreal, and yet so true. It was true, for a least a little while. Now, I sit in the waiting area at the emergency room, awaiting word on the woman that I might just love. **_

_**The words that Secretary of Defense James Heller rang in my mind at that point. **_

"_**Your cursed Jack. Everything you touch dies in one way or another." **_

_**If only he knew just how true his words really were. I can't force tears to fall. I can't force myself to feel anything other than numb. Looking down I see her blood on me and I feel sick. For one of the first times in my life I feel like I might actually be sick. There are many things that I regret in my life. Nothing more than Teri's death, now however, I have a new death to regret. If it wasn't for me, Renee would still be alive. **_

"I'm so sorry sir. We did everything we could. There was just too much damage."

_**The words should mean more. The words should cut me deep as a knife. I feel like it should be my blood spilling on the floor. Instead, it's my fear of facing yet another death that I've caused. A death of someone that I was falling for. Someone that meant so much to me. Someone I could see myself making a life with. Someone that could make me happier than I've been in so long that I've even forgotten what that feeling feels like. Now that someone is gone, and I have no one to blame but myself. **_

_**Almost if moving by sheer force, my legs take me into the room where her body lays, still, unmoving. Dead. She's covered by a sheet. Her eyes are closed, thank god. If those piercing gray eyes were looking at me, with the sheer force of death, I think that might be my breaking point. I kneel over her. Her sheer beauty, even in death, is remarkable. I can feel the tears now. The floodgates open up, and I'm crying. Not in a slobbering mess of a way, in a mourning kind of way. I lay a simple kiss on her forehead. I want to say the words that will break my heart into so many pieces that putting it all back together would be impossible. Instead, I lay a hand on her cheek. Still warm. I close my eyes and promise myself that I won't stop until I get the bastard that took her from me. Until I personally torture him until death actually seems like a better option, then I will torture him just a little more. A little reluncly I turn from her still form, and guide my feet out of the room. I make it to the chair before I start a full on breakdown. At this point I couldn't careless who is watching, and what thoughts are going through their head. The only thing that brings me back to reality is my ringing phone. Hoping it's Chloe telling me that they've found the sonofabitch who did this. Looking at the caller id, I take in a ragged breath and try to put on a brave front. **_

"Kim, hey baby."

"Dad, don't. Chloe called me. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it Kim. I'll get the guy, then I'll be back in LA with you."

"Dad--I know she meant a lot to you."

"Yeah, she did. I have to find out who did this to her, then I'll be on the first flight out to LA."

"Take your time dad. We're waiting for you."

"I love you baby."

"Love you too dad."

_**Closing my phone, I wipe the wetness from my cheeks, force myself up and walk amiably out of the hospital. Two promises. One to myself, one to my daughter. I know there is a chance that one of those promises might get broken, and I know that it won't be the one I made to myself. I'm dying to get my hands on the bastard that took Renee from me, and if dying is the only way to get what I want, then dying is my only option. **_


End file.
